Pushy Relatives?

Etiquette expert Peggy Post gives advice on handling your trickiest wedding dilemmas.

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Q. My cousin can be a bit, well, pushy. During the bouquet toss at my brother’s reception, she actually grabbed the flowers out of the hands of the woman who caught them! Now I am worried about a replay at my wedding. Do you have any advice?

A. It sounds as if this particular relative likes to be the life of the party, and during a lighthearted ritual like the bouquet toss, that’s not such a bad thing. Since you can’t control her antics or actions, I suggest you try your best to ignore them and let her have her fun. Keep things in perspective: As long as she’s not offending people, you need not worry. If you’re really concerned, you might choose to skip the toss altogether. After all, it’s not a required activity.

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By Diane Mapes

(LifeWire) – Mary McPhail, a 47-year-old online retailer from Bexley, Ohio, will never forget her wedding to husband and business partner Geord Douglas 23 years ago in Miami.

“We had our rehearsal dinner at the restaurant where my husband and I met, and as a surprise gift, they gave us this big, beautiful tray of stone crabs,” says McPhail.

“The next day, I had a very upset stomach but just attributed it to nerves.”

It wasn’t nerves. It was the shellfish. As the hour-long ceremony wore on, McPhail grew dizzy and eventually had to clamp a hand over her mouth to keep from throwing up all over the altar. Recognizing her predicament, the priest hastily pronounced the couple husband and wife and shoved them down the aisle.

“We got to the back of the church and I just lost it all over my gown,” says McPhail. “It was a really small wedding, and everybody knew. I was mortified, but it was the highlight of everyone’s day.”

Even the most meticulously planned wedding can devolve into a nuptial nightmare, plagued by freak thunderstorms, fainting bridesmaids or collapsing cakes. But while a botched ceremony is every couple’s nightmare, it’s the weddings that go south that most people remember — and love to retell. Watch tips on wedding invitations »

A day that will live in infamy

A good friend’s wedding gone bad was the inspiration for Samantha Schoech’s “Tied in Knots,” an anthology of funny wedding-day stories that she co-edited with Lisa Taggart.

For starters, it was the coldest April in Las Vegas in recorded history, says the 38-year-old editor from San Francisco. “Then, the justice of the peace didn’t recognize the bride because she was wearing a red dress instead of the traditional white.”

It got worse. “At the reception, the brother of the bride was standing too close to a heater and caught his suit on fire. Then the electricity went out, and the septic tank overflowed onto the lawn,” Schoech says. “That wedding was just one disaster after another, but it was one of the most fun weddings I’d ever been to.”

Why me?

Of course, disasters aren’t quite so hilarious when they’re happening to you.

Bebe Emerman, a 58-year-old retired TV journalist from Pasadena, California, experienced multiple mishaps when she and husband Steve Wolfe, 59, an assistant U.S. attorney, were married in Yosemite National Park 13 years ago.

First, there was a huge rainstorm, which literally blew away their plans for an outdoor ceremony. Then a road washout forced guests to drive an extra 140 miles to attend the ceremony, a wild squirrel nearly destroyed the cake and the wedding photographer was rushed to the hospital with a kidney stone.

“Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong,” she says. “I even dumped the back of my dress into the toilet. But in retrospect, everybody had a great time and my marriage has been pretty happy. It’s like that saying, the worse the wedding, the better the marriage.”

Expect the unexpected

How often does a wedding go south?

Rita Smircich, a wedding planner and wedding coach from Westport, Connecticut, with more than 50 weddings under her belt, says wedding mishaps can range from the caterer failing to show to a bridesmaid fainting and hitting her head during the ceremony.

“With every wedding, there’s a risk that something’s going to go wrong — the cake will fall down, the boutonnieres won’t arrive,” she says. “I tell my brides to try to keep things in perspective and try and remember the main objective.”

George James, a marriage and family therapist with the Council for Relationships, a non-profit counseling, education and research center in Philadelphia, seconds that emotion.

“Most people try to control every aspect of their wedding, but when things go south you can’t control it,” he says. “The only thing you can work on is your reaction to the situation. You might be disappointed at the time, but the unexpected does happen, just like in a marriage. You want to be able to look back and laugh.”

Laughter — and insurance — the best medicine

Having a sense of humor is especially important in a day and age when even bloopers you thought were private can end up being viewed by hundreds of thousands of strangers on YouTube. But while there’s no insurance against common snafus like fainting bridegrooms, sobbing ring bearers or bridal bouquet brouhahas, couples can get protection from freak storms, fly-by-night vendors and other nuptial nightmares by purchasing wedding insurance.

One company, WedSafe.com, offers coverage on everything from damaged gifts to destroyed wedding gowns to canceled ceremonies due to injury, illness or natural disaster. Premiums range from $185 to $405 for coverage of up to $50,000. Want to cover all your bets? The wedding insurance offered through the National Alliance of Special Event Planners even covers cold feet. Premiums start at $170.

Keep it simple

Future brides and grooms may also want to remember that the more bells and whistles they dream up for their wedding, the more chance there is for trouble, says Samantha Schoech.

“Weddings have gotten bigger and grander these days and I think that leaves you open for more disasters,” she says. “If you want white doves to fly over you right as they’re saying ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife,’ you’re asking to get pooped on.”

By Liane Yvkoff

(LifeWire) — The TV no longer sits on a moving box, but she’s still using filing cabinets as end tables. Desiree Jacobsen graduated from college years ago, so why does her apartment resemble a dorm room? It’s hard to save for the finer things when you’ve had to shell out money to be in five weddings in one year, three times as maid of honor.

Some maids of honor have gone deep into debt rather than disappoint a friend who expects a lot.

“I shop at the Salvation Army quite a bit to save money,” says Jacobsen, 26, a medical editor in Dallas.

Being a bride’s maid or matron of honor is a distinction many women cherish. But it doesn’t come cheap.

It can easily cost a woman $1,000 or more for the honor of standing beside the bride on her big day, according to TheKnot.com, the leading wedding Web site.

On top of the traditional expenses of wedding attire, transportation and chipping in for a gift from the bridesmaids, maids of honor can wind up hosting bridal showers, bachelorette parties and even the co-ed Jack and Jill party — often footing the bill entirely.

Expectations are reaching bridezilla proportions, a trend Anna Post, spokeswoman for the Emily Post Institute and great-great-granddaughter of the etiquette authority, attributes in part to the extensive coverage of celebrity weddings on television and in style magazines. Watch etiquette tips on attending wedding events »

Many bridesmaids are left torn between maintaining a friendship and breaking the bank.

Tough to say no

When Sarah de Maintenon, a 33-year-old real estate agent in Syracuse, New York, agreed to be her best friend’s maid of honor two years ago, the economy was good and houses were selling like hot cakes.

But the currently slow real-estate market means that money has become tight as the big day — scheduled for October — slowly approaches.

“I seriously just didn’t know. I thought it was just a bachelorette party,” says de Maintenon of the events she was expected to throw and attend. Her distress over the destination wedding sent her seeking advice online. The advice she received was simple, but effective: Talk to her friend and be honest about her situation.

“I contemplated telling her I couldn’t do it, but I couldn’t break her heart,” she says. “I was afraid it would cause an argument … I didn’t want to ruin her wedding day.”

Jacobsen hasn’t skipped a wedding, but she did once skip the pre-wedding bridal portrait, which she would have had to travel out of town to participate in, because she was short on money and vacation time.

“She was upset with me for a little while, but it quickly blew over because I started planning for her bachelorette party.” When feelings get hurt, Jacobsen says, she tries not to take it personally. “It’s usually because of the stress of the wedding.”

Etiquette rules vs. reality

Is all this necessary? Are brides asking too much of their friends?

Post says that contrary to popular belief, the bridal shower isn’t the maid of honor’s obligation. Traditionally, a close friend would throw a bridal shower for the bride, and sometimes that person is also the maid of honor. But expenses can be agreed upon in advance and shared by the entire wedding party. And though there may be multiple parties thrown for the happy couple, Post says, the maid of honor is not required to go.

“That’s not true,” claims Kim Bohnert, a 32-year-old teacher in San Francisco. She’s served nine stints as maid of honor and considers herself an expert bridesmaid.

She insists that the entire bridal party — especially the maid of honor — is expected to attend all parties and shell out for a gift each time.

“It definitely adds up,” says Melissa Bauer, spokesperson for TheKnot.com. Bauer ticks off some of the major expenses: about $300 for a dress, $50 to $200 for shoes, $40 to $60 for accessories, $50 for a shower gift and another $100 for a wedding gift. Then there are the parties.

“The big thing now is destination bachelorette parties,” Bauer says. “Some people might do it local, but regardless, you’re [often] footing the cost for the bride [to attend].” The cost of traveling to an out-of-town party can add several hundred dollars to the tab, Bauer notes — to say nothing of the cost of traveling to the wedding itself.

Going for broke

Whether popular wisdom requires such a commitment or not, there’s a very real limit to what women can afford.

Bohnert agreed to be her cousin’s maid of honor, even though she was maxed out on her credit cards, and the many expenses included a $500 Sae Young Vu dress. “I’m still in debt because of it,” she says.

Ma’ayan Geller, a part-time student and assistant physical therapist in San Francisco, was glad to hear her friend wanted to be sensitive to the financial constraints of her wedding party. But when Geller, one of the bridesmaids, suggested a cheap Las Vegas package for the bachelorette party, the bride gave her the boot, saying she wasn’t being serious enough about her commitment to the wedding.

“I had already bought the dress — close to $300 — which was a lot for me at the time,” Geller, 23, remembers. “I think it could have been done in a better way.”

Geller still attended the wedding, partially because all her friends were there and also because she wanted to support the bride, “although the friendship kind of ended after that.”

Making it work

In Post’s experience, a wedding is a collaboration, and the wedding party often tries to find a solution that works for everyone. “When something difficult arises, I’ve seen brides put on the brakes rather than force something on someone,” she says.

Jeri Kadison, a bridal coach in New York, says communication is key: Detail expectations early, and if something sounds too expensive, compromise and brainstorm other ideas, she advises.

“It’s the bride’s responsibility to be compassionate and considerate,” she says.

That strategy worked for de Maintenon. She and her bride talk almost every day. Instead of renting a restaurant, they’re having a barbeque. Instead of renting a beach house, they’re all staying with a girlfriend.

It’s also OK to say no, Post says. “You can decline. Just do it early.”

De Maintenon recently declined when one of her best friends asked her to be the maid of honor, and her friend wasn’t upset.

“She knows that I’ll do anything else to help out in any way.”

By Jen Haley

(CNN) — Michelle Cottle, 38, of Westchester, New York, always dreamed of an elegant wedding.

Michelle Cottle and Jason Cohen held their wedding on a Saturday afternoon at a local mansion.

“I envisioned a large wedding, 200 guests… a big band sound, with the trumpets and a singer…the Frank Sinatra thing,” she says.

But then Michelle pauses and laughs. “And then I started to find out how much that would cost.”

Michelle and her fiancé, Jason Cohen, quickly realized that they had to make a choice: a down payment on a house or a dream wedding. For them, it was a no-brainer. The couple decided to keep their wedding budget to around $20,000. Watch how to cut costs »

That’s no easy feat, especially considering the cost of a wedding in the New York City area is about $46,000 according to a survey by The Knot Wedding Network. More broadly, the cost of an average wedding — not including the honeymoon — is about $28,000.

But you can walk down the aisle without declaring bankruptcy. To rein in your bridal budget, consider your timing.

Instead of having a Saturday night wedding, Michelle and Jason opted for a Saturday afternoon barbeque at a local mansion.

There were red bandana napkins and burlap tablecloths. Guests ate pulled duck, barbeque chicken, hot dogs, crab cakes, baked beans and corn bread. The highlight of the evening: the ice cream sundae bar.

“I didn’t want the wedding factory,” says Michelle. “We wanted personal feelings and elegance without it costing too much.”

Target where to save, where to splurge

You can save around 20 percent a person if you choose a Friday night, a Saturday afternoon or a Sunday wedding according to Divine Events Catering in Atlanta.

The most expensive part of a wedding is the reception. It’s at least a third of your budget according to Michelle Preli, editor in chief of Brides.com, a bridal resource Web site. It’s all about your priorities.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make in planning a wedding is not having a clear vision of their budget. That’s the best way to prioritize what you’ll spend money on, and where you can trim costs. There are options in every category, whether its invitations or flowers, says Preli. Spend less money and attention on things that aren’t very important to you.

Michelle and Jason knew exactly where they would loosen the purse strings: photography. “That was one area we didn’t want to scrimp on,” says Michelle.

To make sure you’re staying within your budget, check out the budget advisor at www.brides.com. You’ll get an itemized breakdown of expenses for your wedding. And that will help you prioritize what’s most important.

If you want the wedding to be more about dancing and energy, and not so much about sitting down and having a great meal, put more money toward the cocktail reception says Daniel Briones, president of the National Association of Catering Executives, a catering association. You don’t need a four-course meal he says. You can get rid of the appetizer or just have a salad.

Alcohol is another wallet-drainer. But you can keep costs under control by offering a limited bar with beer and wine says Christa Vagnozzi, senior editor of theWeddingchannel.com. In addition to beer and wine, you can also serve a signature cocktail she says.

And skip the champagne toast says Briones.

“Most of your guests will already have a glass of wine in front of them,” he says. If you have a wedding with 200 guests and you’re serving a $50 bottle of champagne, you would save $2,000 right off the bat.

Rent the showy cake

A wedding cake can also cause sticker shock. On average, a cake costs about $700 according to The Knot survey. But you can cut this price in half without your guests even knowing.

Rent-a-Cake in Atlanta will rent you a tiered Styrofoam cake with icing on the outside, so it looks like the real thing. It’ll cost you about $145 to rent the cake including set-up. There’s a secret compartment in the back of the cake where you can hide a slice of angel food cake so guests think you’re cutting into the real thing. Then you serve your guests a less expensive sheet cake that’s hidden in the kitchen.

Check out other online cake rentals like cake.rental.com. But if staying local is what you want to do, ask your baker to create a fake layer or two in your cake.

And while it may seem insignificant, flowers alone can eat up 8 percent of your budget according to The Knot. To stay within your budget, stick with flowers that are in season and make sure you tell your florist what you can spend. It’s not like you’re going into a store and picking something off a shelf, says Preli. You’re creating a relationship with a vendor.

That strategy worked for Michelle, who settled on Gerber Daisies for her wedding.

“When I went to the florist I said, ‘look we’re not mansion dwellers, we’re apartment dwellers,’” says Michelle. “The florist really worked with me and steered me to less expensive flowers that were still elegant.”

You may also consider getting your flowers from the wholesale market. Ask for recommendations from other brides on virtual message boards at www.brides.com or www.theweddingchannel.com. And do your homework. Check out the company with the Better Business Bureau and ask a lot of questions. You don’t want to be unhappy when these flowers show up at your door says Vagnozzi.

On sale or for rent

Most brides dream about that perfect wedding gown. In fact, one in five brides say finding the perfect dress is the top priority, according to a survey by Conde Nast Bridal Media.

And you can find bargains if you know where to look. Save money at sample sales. Most sales take place in April/May for fall and winter dresses and October/November for spring and summer dresses, according to The Knot. Even department stores have discounted wedding dresses. Michelle got her dress at a 70 percent off sale at Filene’s Basement.

“I had to commit to the dress early and it needed about $200 worth of work and $150 cleaning, but it was beautiful,” she says.

And make sure you look at Web sites like eBay, www.PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com or www.WoreItOnce.com for gently used wedding dresses. If you want a designer handbag or jewelry for your big day, consider renting them at www.bagborroworsteal.com.

Even getting the word out about your wedding can be expensive. Cut costs on your invitations by leaving out all the extras like engraving or decorative linings. Decrease the number of enclosures you have. You can ask guests to e-mail you their replies. Check out online invitation outlets or create your own invites. Your local arts and crafts store will likely have a selection to choose from.

And although it took Michelle an entire year of planning, negotiating and tailoring her wedding dream, she says it was worth it. Despite the fact the couple came in at their budget, Michelle realized that all her work was worth something even more valuable.

“It helped me mature as a woman to come from the idea I had as a girl and as a young woman…to grow that idea up and accept certain limitations and embrace what WAS possible,” she says.

The guests at her wedding said it was the best wedding they had ever been to. “They said it had a lot of us in it,” Michelle says.

“At the end of the day, the thing that matters the most is that ‘I do moment,’” says Preli. “That’s what your guests will remember. That’s what you can’t pay for.”

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